Chasing Butterflies



There is a moment of my childhood that I keep going back to, a moment that I’m not entirely sure ever did happen or was just the product of a 6-year-old’s imagination. Nevertheless, it is a nostalgic moment that I keep yearning for.

I remember I was playing in the front yard of our old house when a beautiful black and yellow butterfly fluttered around me. I was so mesmerized by its captivating colors and by the way it gracefully floated with the evening’s cool breeze that for some immature reason I wanted to make her mine.

I chased this beautiful butterfly. With every hop and every twirl, I felt like a ballerina dancing to the tune of her own laughter, which made the chase all the more pleasurable. I didn’t want it to end.

But the butterfly finally landed on a flower and I cautiously approached her.
I tried to suppress my panting not wanting to scare her away.
I slowly reached out and to my disbelief I actually grabbed her wings.
But what happened next is still something that I wonder about to this day.

After touching her wings I remember feeling jolts of tremor permeating from her wings and shocking my entire body. I instantly let go of the delicate creature and stood in complete awe as I watched her flutter away again.
I wasn’t sure what the source of that electrifying fear was, all I know is that it was exciting and addictive.

We moved countries and to my surprise I found a butterfly net in our new house left by the old tenants. I was ecstatic. I felt like the universe was calling me to catch butterflies again and I looked forward to experiencing that incredible feeling once more.

I grabbed the net and I went out to our front yard. I lifted the net up high and I began running. There were no butterflies that day… or the next, but I had hoped that if I was ready with my net then maybe I’d be able to catch one.
And so it went….

I’m in a different country now.
I’m 22 years old and I’m still chasing non-existent butterflies doomed to never actually feeling them…

I wanted to love you in every way
Instead, I fell with how you desired me
and I became addicted to the chase
and to seeing love trail behind me

But now that I am the hunter
the quest seems far too lonely
I am chasing what doesn’t exist
and I’ll never find redamancy.